Tough Faith Questions: God and Healing

It was exciting at first--and easy.  I was asked to put together the bible story and lesson for this Sunday on the Centurion's Servant, found in Matthew 8:5-13 and Luke 7:1-10

Jesus Heals a Centurion's Servant

7 After he had finished all his sayings in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum.2 Now a centurion had a servant[a] who was sick and at the point of death, who was highly valued by him. 3 When the centurion[b] heard about Jesus, he sent to him elders of the Jews, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4 And when they came to Jesus, they pleaded with him earnestly, saying, “He is worthy to have you do this for him, 5 for he loves our nation, and he is the one who built us our synagogue.” 6 And Jesus went with them. When he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends, saying to him, “Lord, do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof. 7 Therefore I did not presume to come to you. But say the word, and let my servant be healed. 8 For I too am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me: and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes; and to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” 9 When Jesus heard these things,he marveled at him, and turning to the crowd that followed him, said, “I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.” 10 And when those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the servant well.
Piece of cake, and a story I knew forwards and backwards, thanks to The Donut Man (King of Kings, "The Centurion's Secret").  It's all about faith and trusting in God.  I trust, and I have seen people healed.

Then it started gnawing at me a bit.  Will and Angie have been on my mind a LOT lately.  You see, Will is an amazing man of God with phenomenal song writing ability and a fantastic voice.  He'd been having sinus problems this fall and went to the doctor for something he thought was routine.  Not so routine--cancer.  Fast spreading cancer.  Life saving surgeries have now taken an eye and part of his jaw, and Will's 32.  He's currently in hospice, and continues to write songs, praise God, and spend as much time with family and loved ones as he talks about faith and God's goodness (For more of their story, see http://goteamgray.com/updates/).  I've never met Will or Angie, actually.  They're friends of friends and their blog and journey has touched me so deeply, I just feel like I know them.  More on that in a minute.

It also gnawed at me that this was the same group of children that I would be talking to that had prayed their own little prayers, week after week, for Jaime.  They had prayed for healing and for God to protect her.

How, then, would they hear this story?  This story that's often simply taught as "When you're sick, if you pray to God he will heal you."  If God doesn't physically heal, then what?  God sometimes heals our hearts and minds and nourishes us through the tough times through our souls without healing our physical bodies, but how do you explain that to children?

This is the power of Will's story, certainly.  Every blog entry, every video and every story points to a powerful God that gives hope.  Angie talks about the improvements she notices at times.  Will talks about the tough days, but also that God continues to give him time here, so he uses it the best he can to create new songs and tell stories with friends.  He continues to encourage others.  Will may not be feeling physically healed by God, but I know that he has brought a healing touch to the hearts of many and continues to be a testament to many kinds of healing.

I personally think of Jaime's story much the same way.  Seizures took more and more of her short term memory, but she continued to fight for our youth--she so wanted to be a part of their lives and our Kid-Friendly Worship service.  Depression threatened to take a deep hold at times, but in the last few weeks she was upbeat and as alert as I'd seen her in a long time.  We prayed for healing, and I think we saw it in how she felt about life and in the ways little things came together.  Sam, for one, having taken on the internship to help with youth and family shortly before she passed away, and the ways in which the kids took to him (at least our Tristan certainly did!)

God can heal us when we're sick--but it's not always the physical healing we anticipate it will be.  Sometimes it's healing others in our absence, and sometimes it's heart-healing, soul-nurturing, you-are-loved-and-I'm surrounding-you-in-comfort kinds of healing. ALL of these require faith.  In fact, finding non-physical healing can require even more faith from you as others may start to doubt (look at the story of Job!)

I could tell stories of healing this week--of friends who've fought cancer and won, of those who've battled depression and addiction and car accidents--but is that really the point of the story?  That's often where we focus on the centurion with children, but I think the bigger story is about learning to have faith and to trust that God knows and will use our lives and talents to glorify him, whether that's in our healing or not.

How do YOU talk about faith, God and healing in this story?  What would you most want children to hear in this story? 

Jaime becomes part of "The Family"

College was a time a big transitions for me.  I'd never really "fit" in high school--or at least constantly felt out of place and uncomfortable.  Within the first WEEK of college (August 2000), I realized two major things: 1) I'd left my family home behind (though by only a few blocks) possibly permanently because I did not plan to return after college and 2) I was no longer alone and was now surrounded by other people who'd felt out of place in high school.  Finding a place of belonging, we started referring to ourselves as the "GC Family."

Sidenote:  it was a few months later that I discovered this was why many people began telling my parents I'd "joined a cult" and was getting brainwashed/scary--I didn't know that there had been a cult years before known as "the family."  In retrospect, it's a bit funny that I was responsible for helping create one of the ONLY perceived cults at GC at the time--but I'm sure it scared my parents to death at first.  Now?  They're crazy about this big group of wonderful people that graced our house at christmas for parties and occasionally as a few dropped by during summers or after graduation.

We took this analogy so that that by the fall of my sophomore year, we had a 'family tree' that placed everyone's relationships to each other...and then we also started adding people in classes behind us. I'd met James through choir and "the breakfast club" (very few people utilized the dining commons for breakfast, but I was an early riser and so was Erika--James' girlfriend at the time and my choir roommate.  We sort of dragged him into coming).  Through me, he met Rob and it was like brothers separated at birth.  They became roommates by second semester that year and were often seen together programming, gaming, and finding new ways to steal control of classroom equipment from the professors during class and play pranks (those are fantastic stories for another time).  As James and I spent almost all of interterm together on choir tour in England, we also got to know each other pretty well.  Rob made sure he was added to this crazy family tree.

Fastforward a couple of years.  It was with fear and excitement that I greeted fall 2003--the year my sister, Evangeline, would begin college.  She'd had a bit easier time finding a friend group in high school, but I still hoped that she'd find a group of friends as welcoming as mine when she came to college...but I didn't want to smother her (I wanted her to find her own way and not feel tagged as "Emily's sister" the same way I'd felt confined as "Hartley's daughter" when I arrived).  So I waited.  Her honors group?  Not QUITE as much fun as mine where we'd had a mix of guys and girls that got along well (I mostly hung out with the boys, which shouldn't surprise anyone--especially those that know me well)--but there was this BIG gaggle of girls there who were mostly friendly.  Like my sister, many were education majors.  Maybe this is why Jaime stood out to me.  She was INTIMIDATING to me.

Why?  Well...1) she was really pretty quiet around people who didn't know her very well.  2) She was a math and religion major.  I'd always felt somewhat intimidated and in awe of folks in hard sciences and here was a woman who was a math major.  Not only that, she was a solid, confident (though not arrogant) math major her freshman year.  Most freshman have no clue as to what they want to do.  She did.  I was a senior and found this calm confidence a bit unnerving.  While Heather (Evangeline's roommate) and Christy (one of her best friends) knew who I was and would talk to me in passing, I knew of Jaime primarily from her connections to older honors kids--Kate and Becca, who I'd met the year before and who were her roommates.

Rob and I got married in January (I finished school a semester early and worked as a newspaper reporter while he finished up), and so Rob was no longer James' roommate by about the time they started dating.  We heard rumors of their two hour long walks though and it became a source of amusement for the guys to tease James about his walking habits. 

We spent the next 2 years up in Champaign-Urbana, and so didn't really get to know Jaime very well until right before their wedding, but we KNEW James was head over heels.  Like I said, I primarily knew her through other friends and through my sister.  We moved to St. Louis right before my sister started her senior year of college.  I was teaching a bit at SIUE and GC  and evening ESL, and Rob was writing code for a company while James was working for AT &T and living up the road.  We hung out fairly often just grabbing pizza, playing games, or watching movies.  In March or so, James called Rob and said, "so I hear you don't know you're in my wedding."  So it went--my husband was in the wedding party, my dad was conducting the ceremony and...I sort of watched from a far.  Out of our small St. Louis "group" that was forming, Rob was the only one married until James brought in Jaime.  She was a math and religion major.  She was an incredible baker, I learned quickly,...and she, unlike my sister and her closest friends, was not very gregarious.  I would have to push out of my comfort zone (my mostly introverted 'bubble') in order to begin conversations.

One of the first?  Was trying to explain this weird "family tree" and the "GC family" she'd heard so much about--especially now that she learned the master document had been altered after their wedding, and she'd been added as a branch on this family tree.  It grew a bit easier after that--especially once we helped her move into James' apartment and I saw the massive white hand-made bookshelf she had and heard about all the books that went on it :D  I found it much easier to talk once I found out she was also  a bibliophile.

Tell me a Jaime

When I was a kid, there was a book called "Tell me a Mitzi"that we loved to read:
http://www.amazon.com/Tell-Me-Mitzi-Lore-Segal/dp/0374475024/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366223026&sr=8-1&keywords=tell+me+a+mitzi

In the story, the little girl, Margaret, asks for stories, and her mother tells her about another little girl like her who liked adventures.  It's not clear if the stories are about her, her mother, or someone else but they're always stories about life where they are.

My sincerest hope is that I can remember enough soon in the coming days to start documenting stories of Jaime interacting with Tristan and Roran and that someday they'll ask me to tell them "a Jaime."

Writing through Grief

I woke up at 4 this morning, feeling pinned in, hemmed in by grief.  Tears burnt as they rolled down and I couldn't stop.

The irony to me is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she's with God right now.  Jaime's faith wasn't just in her words, it was in her actions.  It was never more tested, she even told me, than over the last two years.

The funny thing?  A week ago, we had talked about her job transitions--she was starting to feel better, more motivated, and more excited about her job than she had for over a year.  The cluster seizures over the past two years had really taken a toll on her morale, as we kept hoping that they were under control.  She'd go several weeks without one, was doing well on sleep and routines and we'd talk excitedly about when she'd be able to drive again (in MO, you have to be seizure free for 6 months before legally allowed to drive) and how the supplements were making her more clear headed and able to remember more.  Then another would strike and we'd all curse, but were thankful that things were looking up.  She had started seeing a counselor months ago to help with the depression.  For over a year, we'd hoped that the seizures would slow down, lessen in number.  They didn't and at times kept her from feeling productive and doing her job or made her feel frustrated and unable to ask for help (and unsure of what help to ask for)--but, she told me last Thursday that she finally felt like she could cope with them.  She seemed somewhat at peace with the fact that they were part of regular life for her, and she didn't grow depressed when they happened or hold her breath that they were gone--she worked around them.  She sounded more upbeat and stronger than I've heard her in ages.  We had an amazing lunch that day as Tristan had asked to see her and she didn't feel so overwhelmed by work that she couldn't join us.  After Las Palmas, she went home to write another story/drama for Kid Friendly Service.

She practically bounced in and out of my car that day--and laughed pretty hard as my two kids proceeded to cry at the same time as we waited for food.  She praised Tristan for sitting in his seat and eating so well with a fork.  She commented on how far he'd come, and fed Roran a bottle while I ate before eating her own food. I kept apologizing for the crazy noise and she told me, "Emily, you have two little ones--this is the way it's supposed to be.  Sort of.  This phase will pass with them, and by then hopefully James and I will have adopted and you can laugh at us and the chaos."

Last Sunday, as we ate lunch together and then played games later that night, we talked a bit more about them adopting, our latest reads,  about dance--and Roran's upcoming baptism.  It was mundane and happy stuff--and, reflecting on a life, I'm so glad it was.

Jaime was so much more than "director of youth and family services" and "a beautiful singing voice" and "a great tap dancer."  Depression had been a challenging road we both walked together, but that didn't define her, either.  She loved the color green. She played scrabble better than anyone else I know.  She loved talking about missions, her time in Africa, her LCGS kids, and had such a passion for ministry it was infectious.  She loved Lia Sophia jewelry--and we'd laugh if we wore the same piece one day.  Her love of reading was amazing too--I found often that if I recommended a book to her that I'd just read, she'd already read it! She was a deep thinker and could be very quiet, but would break into dance in random moments of joy that I had the pleasure of observing on many occasions. She loved James, and we talked often about the challenges and amazing-ness of marriage, especially being married to programmers.  She loved her mom and dad and the passion they have for people and each other.  She loved Kate N. and Katie G. like sisters and we often talked about them as often as we talked about my sister. She was passionate about music and teaching our LCGS sign language to go with the songs.  She created safe places for kids to explore and talk about God and to sing, dance, play and worship as part of our kid friendly service.  She set boundaries and helped children learn how to care for each other within the church.  I found myself in the youth room often staring at the rules on the wall, marveling at the caring and disciplined way in which she constructed these. She did the same with their dog, Lucy (though not in the church!)  She could bake spectacular cheesecakes.  She...

I cannot even find all the words I wish I had to say what a void she leaves behind--in my life, the lives of my children, our church, among our friends and in general. I am amazed at the ripples left behind, but each one speaks of her faith, her passions and a love that connects her to each of us.

Four Weeks

Four weeks ago, Tristan started preschool.

I stopped sleeping (thanks to what I know now as having a baby in posterior or "sunny side up" position), and...

Well, miraculously, everything sort of stayed together.

Don't get me wrong--the first few days of school were a challenge.  He wanted to go, thankfully, but didn't want to listen.

Today, after Tristan told me "walk on the Green line, mama, down the hall," the teacher's aid laughed and told me that he does that to them now, when they forget.

He loves the routine.  He loves the "friends" (what he calls all the other kids. It makes my heart swell!) He loves the art class, the speech, the OT, the playground...It's such a great fit and his vocabulary is just exploding.

An amazing four weeks. He's even doing pretty well with baby brother who arrived a week ago.  He's such a big help--and a proud big brother :D

The blessedness of sleep

Today is, in many ways, an important milestone.  A week ago, I successfully orally defended my dissertation.  I'm still in the midst of a number of revisions and am praying just to graduate in December at this point, but by and large, this doctoral process has come to a close.  It really took about a week for that sink in well though.  It still doesn't feel like a celebration as there are "miles to go before I sleep."

...but sleep has been a very fleeting thing at my house for three years anyway.

Tristan has never been a great sleeper and, as my OB says, "you want them to eat, sleep and poop well.  If any of those things aren't going well, you'll be miserable."  All three were tough for us, and we tackled the eating and pooping issues first. Tristan went through phases where he was super constipated, but for the most part the diapers were often messy, awful smelling and not well formed #2.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen the signs of lactose intolerance and gluten intolerance a lot soon.  Since the diet change, progress has still been a bit slow (he sneaks regular pasta or cookies sometimes) but it's like we've watched the toxins leave his system and he's in less pain when he eats or dirties a diaper...but we knew sleep would be more of a challenge.  Even on his first night home from the hospital, he tried to eat for 5 hours straight, and then would only sleep in 15 minute increments.  It did get somewhat better and he did sleep completely through the night on occasion as he got close to 12-18 months but was always a very early riser, and any little change to his schedule meant a bad night (or five) of sleep as we readjusted.

Sleep changes have come through a combination of less pain when he eats, occupational therapy techniques and supplements (I think).  As he's still limited in what he can eat, but growing like a weed, it's been good/important for us to work with a nutritionalist.  He's up to 4 different supplements now: 2 that help with Calcium (tests showed he was low in calcium though he drank a TON of milk--which might have to do with the intolerance, or just the fact that he moves so much and burns through the supply in his system), one called "brain calm" that helps balance the levels of a neuro chemical called Gamma and--the newest one which is a life saver for us (we just started last Friday) called "Rescue Remedy" which helps with levels of adrenaline in the brain and body.  We'd been through a period of several months where it took 2 or more hours to get him to sleep at night, and he was getting up at 5 (if we were lucky) or having a "party" between 1-3 am and wanted us to be next to him as he talked and talked and couldn't stop moving around.  The OT we saw through special school district told us that instead of playing soft music and having soft lighting at bedtime as our primary OT had suggested (and we'd been practicing), we should not do any music or light and as we noticed him "ramp up" his activity to remove stimulation.  The first night we tried it?  He slept 7:30 pm-7ish am.  Since then, he's had some trouble falling asleep and gotten up between 6 and 7, but it's a lot better than it was.  Naps were a necessity (because he still gets super cranky and klutzy by about midday), but were also a fight. Rescue remedy right as we notice him getting hyper and klutzy has really helped with this as well.  Sometimes the naps are 45 minutes and sometimes 3 hours, but the important thing is that he's waking up more communicative and happy instead of crabby like before.

The new thing for us?  We'd always put locks on his door before at night because otherwise he'd wander.  We stopped recently when he'd shown signs of being mama and papa-oriented.  In other words, he comes to our room.  More importantly, he no longer talks for 2 hours in the middle of the night!  He brings his favorite pillow, his blanket and his "gog" (the stuffed wolf he sleeps with) and settles in with us.  It takes a few minutes, but he falls asleep and sleeps until the alarm goes off for Rob to get up--or later.  I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so grateful to have him come join us in bed.  We're sleeping better (because he's actually sleeping!) and he's sleeping better (I think because he feels more safe and secure) and I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to continue this after his brother arrives--although I'm not sure how much a  baby will disturb his sleep with crying and feeding so that makes me a bit nervous.

I always used to get so mad at the parents who'd said cry it out was abusive and we should just let him sleep with us.  It never used to be possible.  He didn't understand sleep.  He wanted to talk and play whenever he was around us.  This?   I think he gets it, finally.  This sleeping with a sleepy, semi scared (monsters, mama!) preschooler feels...normal.  It's nice to feel like we're normal every once in awhile, though I know we still have a lot of challenges to face.  I love watching my little guy do things now like play independently and creatively ("the dog is driving the train!") and eat different foods and most of all, sleep and understand just how much better it makes him feel :D

Several updates

Well, I guess it's been awhile.  I've had people tell me lately that they are wondering how T is doing, how I'm doing in the dissertation process...and so this is just a catch-all.

On July 31, I turned in my first full draft of my dissertation.  It felt good, though I was really tired and just...done.  About 2 weeks later (almost 2 weeks ago), I sat down with my advisor who had a lot of good ideas, and since I had set it down for a bit (to finish grading final papers for the three classes I taught this summer) I felt rejuvenated and excited to address issues and fix several things I knew I could make better.  After a doodle poll with my committee, we found a date that actually worked for everyone.  If you're familiar with academic schedules, especially when dealing with people from 3 different universities, you understand just what a miracle that is.  Because of paperwork requirements and the number of people who have to approve it, our October 4, 2-4pm, defense date translated to a due date of a refined, mostly polished draft getting to my committee before September 12 and, if you give them enough time to read and approve by Sept. 12, you're talking Sept. 1.

Yes, that's this Saturday.  For the last 2 weeks, I've been working on 1) re-doing analysis and re-writing a little over half a chapter on discourse 2) deepening the analysis of interviews (in another chapter) with clearer introductions 3) filling out the conclusion a bit more and 4) adding a handful of figures/tables that easily summarize participant and thematic data.

And, with a bit more APA work, it will be ready (I think.  I hope.) 264 pages as it stands, and I think it's pretty decent.  I'll feel better after more of my committee sees it and gives feedback.  I am happy, though, that at least 2 of my 4 lifespan interview participants have gotten back to me on their chapters, given feedback and seem happy with the stories and even the analysis. One of my committee members (beside my advisor) has also given some really good feedback on the discussion chapter.  Another really helped me get the discourse chapter in better shape (the chapter I've worked on the longest and still, I feel, is the weakest because of the complexity it requires).  I really appreciate walking into this stage feeling like I already have a good idea of how the committee might ask me to make changes if more are necessary. So...that's that.  A couple of forms, some revisions and hopefully October 4, after 4 pm, I'll officially be declared "Dr. Hager."


The adventures with T have been harder, honestly.  We started seeing a nutritionalist in mid-July and he's been able to tell us that he believes the reflux didn't disappear when the spit-up stopped.  That means that the last 2 years his esophagus has continued to burn.  No wonder he's avoiding meat and veggies--he still can't process them.  At all.  He's now on calcium supplements and I know what you're thinking: he's REALLY tall for his age, and drinks a ton of milk.  He's simply not processing it into his bloodstream.  We are certain now that he's allergic to milk/milk products and it really hurts his stomach (though he craves it because it's soothing going down, but BURNS afterward and inflames his intestines, poor kid), and has been doing really well with almond milk and coconut milk.  We've also gone gluten free with him, which also seems to help a lot.  It's hard to find milk-free, gluten free bread though.  Thank goodness for trader joe's and UDI bread. It's pretty course, but works well for his peanut butter sandwiches.  GF pretzels and shortbread cookies also make him really happy :D  We tried "chocolate chip" GF cookies, but discovered hidden milk in a lot of processed foods.

Things are going well with this and T's vocabulary and attention span is getting much better, as long as we don't have slip ups.  He begged for a donut on sunday at church and we paid for it, tenfold, as he went screaming and yelling up and down the tables.  Yesterday, I babysat another little boy and T snuck some nutragrain bar off of his highchair tray.  Today, he's jumped on me, smacked me in the head several times, refused to listen and diaper changes have turned into wrestling matches.  It's now like having two very different children--one who's really badly behaved and who elicits all kinds of rude comments from well-meaning friends, relatives and strangers.  The other?  calmer, cuddly, helpful with household chores (and even helped me a lot yesterday with the little boy I watched, patting his head when he cried, and sharing toys with him) and loves to tell stories.  The second little boy, I love to death.  The first I love as well but makes life more challenging and really tests my patience.  It's also really frustrating to have a kid who's sensitive to: food dyes, soy, milk & milk products and probably gluten and have others offer him "treats" (like the occasional lollipop) that I then have to tell them, no, he can't have them and look like the mean mom.  Trust me, I'm saving me and us from crazy outbursts and him from a whole lot of tummy/gut pain.

So things are looking good, we're even seeing improvements in OT.  Oh!  We also went through with those tests--his hearing is fine (which we guessed) and he qualified for special school district services because he simply refused to take the DIAL 3/evaluation and would not co-operate without me in the room.  We weren't that surprised.  It's not that he's incapable, but he doesn't do well in unknown spaces (yep.  sensory processing disorder with sensitivity to large spaces, multiple inputs and temperature were already known challenges), so having to go with a stranger, away from mom, in a strange place almost guaranteed he wouldn't co-operate from the get-go.  We have to wait to hear back from them and it may take another 3 weeks, but we think he'll be going to the AWESOME early childhood center in our district and getting (for "free" through the district) additional help for speech and behavior.  I'm hopeful and I think he'll have fun.  He's freaked out the last 2 times we've been (for testing) when I said he couldn't play on their playground (which was gated in and locked)--and if he goes there, he'll be able to play there!

It's been a busy (but good) couple of months and both T and I are making great progress.  The dissertation is nearly finished, set to defend, and Tristan is starting to feel a bit better with food and learning new words and responsibilities every day.  His new thing?  He's interested in learning how to peddle his bike!  We may have a bike rider on our hands before we know it. July and August (and of course, God) have been very good to us.