Dangers

If there's anything I've realized whole-heartedly on the journey this past year and a half, it's that I cannot let anyone, any thing--even my work--just speak for me.

I bought into it too much when it came to Jaime.  How others said that she didn't do things she'd promised to do, that she forgot, that she was coming unraveled from the stress and strain of epilepsy...and maybe some of that was true.  I mean, it was clear that some things she absolutely couldn't remember and it hurt and stressed her. BUT--but...I think the part that angers me the most is that SHE was lead to believe it, too.  That she'd been convinced she couldn't handle it, that she'd agreed to do things she didn't follow through on.

And then I took the job.  And I was doing everything wrong.  I was blamed for not doing things I'd never been asked to do.  I was told I HAD to do things that were well above and beyond the part-time work I'd signed on for, and then chastised, told "anybody could pick this stuff up and do it" and "I could do your job with my eyes closed."  Standing up for myself, my time, my health, was met with claims that either I wasn't doing all that I needed to, I was being unreasonable, or that I could easily, quickly be replaced by anyone over the age of about 25.

And so I worked harder to prove my abilities, kept records of my time and effort....and was met with repeated claims of "well, everyone says what an amazing job you're doing....but here's more you need to do."

And I bought into it.  At home, at work.  I was constantly giving more, expressing exhaustion and frustration and essentially told on both fronts that it was my fault for the frustration--work harder, be more, don't expect so much of others. At home, now, I can speak out and do my best to regain balance--because that accountability exists here, and my voice can be heard sometimes. But elsewhere?

These are dangerous ideas, dangerous beliefs to buy into, but I've done it for years.  A wife, a mother, a PhD who's always worked harder and harder, chasing that "if only" that promises a liveable independent salary that just never comes.

I'm mad. More than anything, I'm mad that I let others define me, speak for me, tell me what I'm worth or not, and drive me to exhaustion. I've been a crutch for far too long for several people who won't even admit that I'm a crutch or that no, I'm not easily replaced. And the thing that's hardest is walking away, wondering what will be said...and knowing, at least one person, will spin things differently again, most likely telling others how incompentent I was, how they were always trying to work with me, do my work, and that they are exhausted from carrying that weight--though, frankly, the inverse was true at times but there was no support system, no one to keep the system accountable though many who were willing/ready to hold me accountable for things I didn't even know were expected of me.

And then I turn around and look back and wish I'd been able to tell her in life--that Jaime's ministry was vibrant, that she worked hard and I wish I'd fought harder to tell some of those who used me as a crutch, as an excuse for them not to work harder, to back off on Jaime as well. I wish I'd fought harder for her, encouraged her...but then again, I didn't know and couldn't have known how bad she'd been bullied until I experienced it myself.  And I'm still wondering if anything can be done, if any accountability can be held or if I have to just walk away with the knowledge that sometimes people get away with abuse and there are sometimes no channels to challenge it.

Rebekah and Isaac (Spark bible, pp. 38-41)

September 14:  Rebekah and Isaac (Spark pp. 38-41)

Last week we talked about Abram and Sarai beginning their journey to a new promised land, lots of children, and God’s blessing as they went.  We know that they made it safely into the land of Canaan.  After they had arrived, God sent an angel to visit them and tell them about a baby--God also gave them a son named “Isaac” at the age of 90! Our story today is about how God’s promises continued through Isaac’s journeys.

As Isaac grew, his parents got OLDER and OLDER.  They were worried about his future and, so, Abraham asked one of his servants to help find a good wife for Isaac—someone to help him begin a family, take care of the land, and to serve God.   The problem was that there was no one who believed in God (other than Isaac’s parents and Isaac) in ALLLLLL of Canaan.  The servant would have to travel back to the place where Abraham grew up! Remember—it was a very looooooong journey, back over the desert sands.

When the servant arrived, he knew he needed to find a woman who would be a good wife for Isaac, but he didn’t know where to start looking!

So, he did what we do when we don’t know where or how to start on our journeys—he prayed for God to help him.

The servant said, “God, I will go to the well in the middle of this town and ask a woman if she can give me a drink of water.  If she gives me water and offers to get water for my camels too, I will know that she is the right woman for Isaac.”

The servant waited by the well.  And waited.  And waited.  In the evening, a BEAUTIFUL woman came to fill jars with water.  The servant asked her for a drink.

Rebekah replied, “Yes, of course.  Here is some water.  You look like you’ve come a long way and are tired. Let me get some water for your camels too.”

The servant smiled and asked her for her name.  Her name was Rebekah.  The servant knew God had answered his prayer. 

The servant told Rebekah, “God sent me a very long way to find you.  God has a plan for you to marry a man named Isaac.  He has promised that you and Isaac will have many children.”

Rebekah said with a smile, “I know that God keeps his promises.  I have always wanted a big family.  I will journey with you, and will go to marry Isaac.”

After they journeyed and Rebekah and Isaac were married, God kept his promises, and they had twin boys—Esau and Jacob.  And Jacob became the father to TWELVE boys, one of whom was Joseph (and we’ll talk about him and his brothers next week!) So God kept his promises to Abram and his family.

What did we learn?

Sometimes what we are supposed to do is easy to follow (like traveling/journeying to Abram’s town), and sometimes what we are supposed to do isn’t so clear (like when the servant arrived and didn’t know where to look for Isaac’s wife). Prayer—talking to God and asking for help—is often a good place to start!  Rebekah showed great faith and bravery too, didn’t she?  She trusted that the servant spoke the truth and she traveled a far way away from HER family to follow after God’s plan.

What are some ways you have trusted God this week?  What are some ways you’ve heard or seen him talk with you on your journey?

20 weeks

It's funny.  I realized just how skittish I've been in talking much about this pregnancy when I read Sarah Bessey's amazing Post (173 Beats per minute) this morning.  It's not that I don't know why.

I do.

I'm still not completely convinced this will turn out well.

I know.  Probably not the sanest response, considering I have two healthy children.  But let me tell you a little story.

I was five and my younger sister, Evangeline, was exactly two the day we welcomed our baby sister, Hannah, into our family.

Now, those of you who know the Hartley sisters from college or secondary school are probably going, "wait--Hannah?  Who's Hannah?"

Hannah Elyse Hartley was born May 21, 1987. Stillborn. She'd been moving about shortly before that.

We talked about it a lot over the years, but somedays it still hurts--even though I was already a big sister, even though she wasn't my child.

And the way it scares me the most?  I'd vowed never to have a third kid of my own--I was too scared.

And here I was this spring, totally shocked to find myself with an almost 5 year old and a little one who was about 18 months old and surprise! She'd be arriving right about the time my kids were the ages Evangeline and I were when Hannah arrived. I quit my job at the church, partially for the stress of the job itself, but partially also for the stress of thinking about #3.

I've gone all the genetic testing to put my mind at ease.  The funny thing is, even when nothing showed up, I still wasn't completely sure it was happening.

We kept the baby tub, the car seat, the 4-5 carriers I'd accumulated between the 2 boys, some clothes...but other than a cute little lolitop hat and some pictures for the wall, I just can't seem to motivate myself to prepare more.

The boys need to share a room (which could be lovely and wonderful since they love each other and love spending time together, or it could end up in a sleepless disaster ;) ) but we just can't seem to figure out when to make that happen.

I don't have a birthing plan this time at the moment. I often forget what week I'm on and though I try to be careful with medicines and vitamins and intake and rest....I'm just not feeling it. In fact, worse than not feeling it, I guess, is that I've convince myself not to get my hopes up.

I know I look pregnant at this point (that, or I swallowed a basketball), but it's just....

The fear. The fear of the thing I know nearly swallowed my mom whole.  The grief, the anger of a stillbirth--and the family history.

So that's where I'm at.  If you ask me if I'm excited or ready and you get silence in response or a "no," know that I'm not angry--I'm excited at the possibility of having a girl--but it's still not reality yet for me, or not a sure thing in my mind.  Maybe I'll get there soon--or maybe it won't be until I hold her that I know for sure everything's okay.

Abram is Called (Spark pp. 26-29)

August 31:  Abram is Called  (Spark pp. 26-29)

Have you ever started walking somewhere, not really where you are going?  That’s basically what happened to the man and woman in our story today. 

You see, one day God said to a man name Abram, “Get up!  It’s time for you to leave your home, your family, your friends and everything familiar to go to a new land." 

And then God made Abram, and his wife, Sarai, a few promises about this adventure—

1)    I’ll bless you with many things along the way

2)    I’ll make sure people know about you—now, and in the future

3)    I will be kind to those that are kind to you, and not very nice to people who are not very nice to you.

4)    Because of you, all the families on EARTH will be blessed.

WOAH.  Those are some BIG promises, aren’t they?  What would YOU do if God came to you and said “I am sending you someplace new—go, explore, and I will bless you”?  That’s exciting, right?

Okay, but NOW imagine that God doesn’t do that right now.  He waits and waits and waits to call you, until you’re 75 years old.  That’s how old Abram was!  It didn’t scare Abram though—he took his wife, Sarai, and his nephew, Lot, and they started walking.  And walking. And walking.  It was a LOOOOOONG way to the new land—and it was a dry and dusty and HOT trip across the desert. They were still happy and hopeful—they knew that God was leading them to a beautiful place!  It was a long and slow trip because they carried everything they had with them: donkeys and pots and pans, dishes, and clothes, and food and camels and slowly, slowly, slowly… 

“I’m soooo HOT!” Sarai said as she wiped the sweat from her face.

“I’m getting kinda tired” said Abram, as he yawned

“My feet hurt!”  groaned Lot.

 Finally, they reached the land of Canaan.  They were out of the desert for awhile, and Abram stopped by a tall and shady tree to cool down, and get out of the blazing sun.  It felt SO good!  God came and spoke to him there. 

“I have a surprise for you.  I promise to give THIS very land to your family forever.  This is where your wandering journey will end.” 

Abram and Sarai and Lot were so thankful to God for this wonderful gift they jumped and danced and sang and hugged each other, praising God for his gifts.  Abram decided to build two altars to honor God.  One, he would build out of large smooth  stones by the tree where God had given them the good news, and another they would build out of wood, and it would be placed by their tent in the hills. 

What did we learn?  God calls us sometimes to do new things, and to follow him in faith (without always knowing where we’re going)—and he’ll do it our whole lives, not just when you’re older, but now (Remember how Miriam protected her brother Moses when he was in the river?  Remember how the little boy David defeated the GIANT Goliath?) AND even when you’re a grandparent!  The best part is that God goes WITH you—God followed Abram, Sarai, and Lot on their journey, as he protected them and called them forward.  You know what?  God DID bless the whole earth through Abram—Abram  was given a new name—Abraham—and was father to Isaac, grandfather to Jacob, and many, many generations later, to Moses and David and eventually Jesus! What we’re called to do or say may seem small now, but God can use us in ways that end up being very big—if we’ll say “yes” even when it seems scary at first.

Song of the Day:  Father Abraham.  

Saul becomes Paul (Spark pp. 514-519)

Saul to Paul (Spark pp. 514-519)

ALL summer, we’ve talked about miracles—everything from Moses and the burning bush to Jericho to Esther saving her people to Daniel in the Lion’s Den to Jesus’ helping the blind, the people who couldn’t walk and calming storms.  Last week we even talked about his disciples healing someone who couldn’t walk.  Today’s story is about a new kind of miracle, really.  It’s about both changing someone’s attitude and about healing them—it’s both our last miracle story for the summer and the first story for the fall, a group of stories we’re calling “Journey stories.”

What are journeys?  Well, yes, you can take a walk or a sort of trip from one place to another, but this is also about how sometimes people are CHANGED in their hearts and in their words by what they learn about Jesus.

And THAT’S why we’re talking about Saul today.  You see, Saul was a BULLY.  A Horrible bully who hated anyone who was a Christian. In fact, Saul wanted to throw all Christians into jail for the things they were saying and doing!  But God had other plans for Saul.  Even though Saul was a mean bully, God still loved him—and had a big plan for him!

Saul  and his men had been told to go to Damascus for his job.  He thought that if there were any Christians living in Damascus, he could find them and he would bring them back to Jerusalem and throw them in jail~ He had arrested hundreds of Christians before this, and he would have no problem arresting more now!

But as he was walking, swirls of dust blew up from the road.  Saul COVERED his eyes with his arm. “Storms coming up,” he shouted to his men.

CRASH!  FLASH!  BOOM!  Saul feel to the ground as a blinding light exploded all around him.  Saul heard a booming voice speaking to him. “Saul, Saul, why do you hurt me?”

Saul rubbed his eyes, but couldn’t see anyone.  He shouted back at the voice: “Who ARE you?”

“I am Jesus, who you are persecuting.  I am very much alive and I have plans for you. Now, get up and go into the city and wait—you will be told what you must do.”

Saul and his men were speechless—they could HEAR the voice, but they couldn’t see anyone.  And then Saul realized something else.

“My eyes!  My eyes—I can’t see!  Someone get me up” Saul ordered.

Because he couldn’t see, Saul’s men had to lead him by the hand into Damascus.  And there he waited—and prayed.  He wasn’t mean or bullying anyone anymore.  God had changed his heart.

A man named Ananias was in Damascus.  Ananias loved Jesus.  God told Ananias to go to Saul and pray so that Saul might see again.  Ananias was scared.

“But Lord~ Saul is a mean man, and a bully!  Don’t you see what he’s done to others who believe in you?  I’m afraid of him and what he might do to me!”

God told Ananias, “I have chosen Saul to tell my story to many people.  I have a plan for him.”

Ananias found Saul just as God had told him he would.  Ananias prayed for Saul, and Saul was filled with God’s holy spirit.  Suddenly, scales fell from Saul’s eyes and he could see again.

Ananias told Saul, “God has a job for you.  You will go and tell others about Jesus.”

Saul was baptized, and his name was changed to Paul. Paul went around preaching and teaching and writing letters of encouragement to other Christians the rest of his life.  He became a friend of Jesus and told many people how Jesus changed his heart.

What did we learn?  Just as Saul journeyed from Jerusalem to Damascus, he also journeyed (and transformed) from being a bully to Christians to being a believer, a friend to Jesus.  Do you know anyone like Saul/Paul?  God transforms us—and sometimes bullies too.  It’s important for us to keep praying for those who may be bullies and who have never heard about Jesus.

Peter Heals a Lame Man (spark pp. 506-509)

Peter heals a lame man (spark pp. 506-510)

Did you know that even after Jesus returned to heaven, his disciples performed miracles?  Today, we’re talking about Peter and John as they continued to tell people about Jesus.

At three o’clock one afternoon, Peter and John were walking to the temple together to pray. As they walked (walk, walk, walk) they saw some people carrying a man who wouldn’t walk.  They carefully took him and placed in front of the beautiful temple gates so that he could beg.

In the time of the disciples, it was about all you could do as someone who couldn’t walk.  You couldn’t work, and so you had to ask for help to be able to buy food—and you could do this sitting outside of the temple.  So there he sat.

When Peter and John walked up to the gate, the may said “Would you please give me some money for food?”

Then what do you think happened?  Did Peter and John give him money?  Peter told the man, “Look, we don’t have any money either.”  And maybe this made the man a bit sad, or made him think it was time to just ask the next person.

But then something amazing happened. Peter said, “I have something else I can give you.  In the name of Jesus Christ, rise up and walk!”  Peter grabbed the man’s hand and suddenly his feet and ankles grew strong.  He could stand.  He could walk! He would even RUN!!!

With a happy cry, the man started walk, leap, dancing, skipping and praising God!  He followed Peter and John into the temple, and he laughed and started shouting to others, “Look!  Look what God has done for me!  I can walk!” 

A crowd gathered—and they all started talking at once. “Isn’t this the man who sits outside the gate begging every day?  What happened to him?  How is he walking?  How has he been healed?”

Peter finally spoke up, loudly, to the surprised crowd “This man believes in Jesus and his faith made him strong.  Right in front of you he has been healed and made whole because he believed.”  The people were amazed.

What did you learn?  Jesus isn’t the only person who could heal others—those who believed in him and healed in his name could even make people who couldn’t walk, walk!