I woke up at 4 this morning, feeling pinned in, hemmed in by grief. Tears burnt as they rolled down and I couldn't stop.
The irony to me is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she's with God right now. Jaime's faith wasn't just in her words, it was in her actions. It was never more tested, she even told me, than over the last two years.
The funny thing? A week ago, we had talked about her job transitions--she was starting to feel better, more motivated, and more excited about her job than she had for over a year. The cluster seizures over the past two years had really taken a toll on her morale, as we kept hoping that they were under control. She'd go several weeks without one, was doing well on sleep and routines and we'd talk excitedly about when she'd be able to drive again (in MO, you have to be seizure free for 6 months before legally allowed to drive) and how the supplements were making her more clear headed and able to remember more. Then another would strike and we'd all curse, but were thankful that things were looking up. She had started seeing a counselor months ago to help with the depression. For over a year, we'd hoped that the seizures would slow down, lessen in number. They didn't and at times kept her from feeling productive and doing her job or made her feel frustrated and unable to ask for help (and unsure of what help to ask for)--but, she told me last Thursday that she finally felt like she could cope with them. She seemed somewhat at peace with the fact that they were part of regular life for her, and she didn't grow depressed when they happened or hold her breath that they were gone--she worked around them. She sounded more upbeat and stronger than I've heard her in ages. We had an amazing lunch that day as Tristan had asked to see her and she didn't feel so overwhelmed by work that she couldn't join us. After Las Palmas, she went home to write another story/drama for Kid Friendly Service.
She practically bounced in and out of my car that day--and laughed pretty hard as my two kids proceeded to cry at the same time as we waited for food. She praised Tristan for sitting in his seat and eating so well with a fork. She commented on how far he'd come, and fed Roran a bottle while I ate before eating her own food. I kept apologizing for the crazy noise and she told me, "Emily, you have two little ones--this is the way it's supposed to be. Sort of. This phase will pass with them, and by then hopefully James and I will have adopted and you can laugh at us and the chaos."
Last Sunday, as we ate lunch together and then played games later that night, we talked a bit more about them adopting, our latest reads, about dance--and Roran's upcoming baptism. It was mundane and happy stuff--and, reflecting on a life, I'm so glad it was.
Jaime was so much more than "director of youth and family services" and "a beautiful singing voice" and "a great tap dancer." Depression had been a challenging road we both walked together, but that didn't define her, either. She loved the color green. She played scrabble better than anyone else I know. She loved talking about missions, her time in Africa, her LCGS kids, and had such a passion for ministry it was infectious. She loved Lia Sophia jewelry--and we'd laugh if we wore the same piece one day. Her love of reading was amazing too--I found often that if I recommended a book to her that I'd just read, she'd already read it! She was a deep thinker and could be very quiet, but would break into dance in random moments of joy that I had the pleasure of observing on many occasions. She loved James, and we talked often about the challenges and amazing-ness of marriage, especially being married to programmers. She loved her mom and dad and the passion they have for people and each other. She loved Kate N. and Katie G. like sisters and we often talked about them as often as we talked about my sister. She was passionate about music and teaching our LCGS sign language to go with the songs. She created safe places for kids to explore and talk about God and to sing, dance, play and worship as part of our kid friendly service. She set boundaries and helped children learn how to care for each other within the church. I found myself in the youth room often staring at the rules on the wall, marveling at the caring and disciplined way in which she constructed these. She did the same with their dog, Lucy (though not in the church!) She could bake spectacular cheesecakes. She...
I cannot even find all the words I wish I had to say what a void she leaves behind--in my life, the lives of my children, our church, among our friends and in general. I am amazed at the ripples left behind, but each one speaks of her faith, her passions and a love that connects her to each of us.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Four Weeks
Four weeks ago, Tristan started preschool.
I stopped sleeping (thanks to what I know now as having a baby in posterior or "sunny side up" position), and...
Well, miraculously, everything sort of stayed together.
Don't get me wrong--the first few days of school were a challenge. He wanted to go, thankfully, but didn't want to listen.
Today, after Tristan told me "walk on the Green line, mama, down the hall," the teacher's aid laughed and told me that he does that to them now, when they forget.
He loves the routine. He loves the "friends" (what he calls all the other kids. It makes my heart swell!) He loves the art class, the speech, the OT, the playground...It's such a great fit and his vocabulary is just exploding.
An amazing four weeks. He's even doing pretty well with baby brother who arrived a week ago. He's such a big help--and a proud big brother :D
I stopped sleeping (thanks to what I know now as having a baby in posterior or "sunny side up" position), and...
Well, miraculously, everything sort of stayed together.
Don't get me wrong--the first few days of school were a challenge. He wanted to go, thankfully, but didn't want to listen.
Today, after Tristan told me "walk on the Green line, mama, down the hall," the teacher's aid laughed and told me that he does that to them now, when they forget.
He loves the routine. He loves the "friends" (what he calls all the other kids. It makes my heart swell!) He loves the art class, the speech, the OT, the playground...It's such a great fit and his vocabulary is just exploding.
An amazing four weeks. He's even doing pretty well with baby brother who arrived a week ago. He's such a big help--and a proud big brother :D
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The blessedness of sleep
Today is, in many ways, an important milestone. A week ago, I successfully orally defended my dissertation. I'm still in the midst of a number of revisions and am praying just to graduate in December at this point, but by and large, this doctoral process has come to a close. It really took about a week for that sink in well though. It still doesn't feel like a celebration as there are "miles to go before I sleep."
...but sleep has been a very fleeting thing at my house for three years anyway.
Tristan has never been a great sleeper and, as my OB says, "you want them to eat, sleep and poop well. If any of those things aren't going well, you'll be miserable." All three were tough for us, and we tackled the eating and pooping issues first. Tristan went through phases where he was super constipated, but for the most part the diapers were often messy, awful smelling and not well formed #2. Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen the signs of lactose intolerance and gluten intolerance a lot soon. Since the diet change, progress has still been a bit slow (he sneaks regular pasta or cookies sometimes) but it's like we've watched the toxins leave his system and he's in less pain when he eats or dirties a diaper...but we knew sleep would be more of a challenge. Even on his first night home from the hospital, he tried to eat for 5 hours straight, and then would only sleep in 15 minute increments. It did get somewhat better and he did sleep completely through the night on occasion as he got close to 12-18 months but was always a very early riser, and any little change to his schedule meant a bad night (or five) of sleep as we readjusted.
Sleep changes have come through a combination of less pain when he eats, occupational therapy techniques and supplements (I think). As he's still limited in what he can eat, but growing like a weed, it's been good/important for us to work with a nutritionalist. He's up to 4 different supplements now: 2 that help with Calcium (tests showed he was low in calcium though he drank a TON of milk--which might have to do with the intolerance, or just the fact that he moves so much and burns through the supply in his system), one called "brain calm" that helps balance the levels of a neuro chemical called Gamma and--the newest one which is a life saver for us (we just started last Friday) called "Rescue Remedy" which helps with levels of adrenaline in the brain and body. We'd been through a period of several months where it took 2 or more hours to get him to sleep at night, and he was getting up at 5 (if we were lucky) or having a "party" between 1-3 am and wanted us to be next to him as he talked and talked and couldn't stop moving around. The OT we saw through special school district told us that instead of playing soft music and having soft lighting at bedtime as our primary OT had suggested (and we'd been practicing), we should not do any music or light and as we noticed him "ramp up" his activity to remove stimulation. The first night we tried it? He slept 7:30 pm-7ish am. Since then, he's had some trouble falling asleep and gotten up between 6 and 7, but it's a lot better than it was. Naps were a necessity (because he still gets super cranky and klutzy by about midday), but were also a fight. Rescue remedy right as we notice him getting hyper and klutzy has really helped with this as well. Sometimes the naps are 45 minutes and sometimes 3 hours, but the important thing is that he's waking up more communicative and happy instead of crabby like before.
The new thing for us? We'd always put locks on his door before at night because otherwise he'd wander. We stopped recently when he'd shown signs of being mama and papa-oriented. In other words, he comes to our room. More importantly, he no longer talks for 2 hours in the middle of the night! He brings his favorite pillow, his blanket and his "gog" (the stuffed wolf he sleeps with) and settles in with us. It takes a few minutes, but he falls asleep and sleeps until the alarm goes off for Rob to get up--or later. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so grateful to have him come join us in bed. We're sleeping better (because he's actually sleeping!) and he's sleeping better (I think because he feels more safe and secure) and I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to continue this after his brother arrives--although I'm not sure how much a baby will disturb his sleep with crying and feeding so that makes me a bit nervous.
I always used to get so mad at the parents who'd said cry it out was abusive and we should just let him sleep with us. It never used to be possible. He didn't understand sleep. He wanted to talk and play whenever he was around us. This? I think he gets it, finally. This sleeping with a sleepy, semi scared (monsters, mama!) preschooler feels...normal. It's nice to feel like we're normal every once in awhile, though I know we still have a lot of challenges to face. I love watching my little guy do things now like play independently and creatively ("the dog is driving the train!") and eat different foods and most of all, sleep and understand just how much better it makes him feel :D
...but sleep has been a very fleeting thing at my house for three years anyway.
Tristan has never been a great sleeper and, as my OB says, "you want them to eat, sleep and poop well. If any of those things aren't going well, you'll be miserable." All three were tough for us, and we tackled the eating and pooping issues first. Tristan went through phases where he was super constipated, but for the most part the diapers were often messy, awful smelling and not well formed #2. Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen the signs of lactose intolerance and gluten intolerance a lot soon. Since the diet change, progress has still been a bit slow (he sneaks regular pasta or cookies sometimes) but it's like we've watched the toxins leave his system and he's in less pain when he eats or dirties a diaper...but we knew sleep would be more of a challenge. Even on his first night home from the hospital, he tried to eat for 5 hours straight, and then would only sleep in 15 minute increments. It did get somewhat better and he did sleep completely through the night on occasion as he got close to 12-18 months but was always a very early riser, and any little change to his schedule meant a bad night (or five) of sleep as we readjusted.
Sleep changes have come through a combination of less pain when he eats, occupational therapy techniques and supplements (I think). As he's still limited in what he can eat, but growing like a weed, it's been good/important for us to work with a nutritionalist. He's up to 4 different supplements now: 2 that help with Calcium (tests showed he was low in calcium though he drank a TON of milk--which might have to do with the intolerance, or just the fact that he moves so much and burns through the supply in his system), one called "brain calm" that helps balance the levels of a neuro chemical called Gamma and--the newest one which is a life saver for us (we just started last Friday) called "Rescue Remedy" which helps with levels of adrenaline in the brain and body. We'd been through a period of several months where it took 2 or more hours to get him to sleep at night, and he was getting up at 5 (if we were lucky) or having a "party" between 1-3 am and wanted us to be next to him as he talked and talked and couldn't stop moving around. The OT we saw through special school district told us that instead of playing soft music and having soft lighting at bedtime as our primary OT had suggested (and we'd been practicing), we should not do any music or light and as we noticed him "ramp up" his activity to remove stimulation. The first night we tried it? He slept 7:30 pm-7ish am. Since then, he's had some trouble falling asleep and gotten up between 6 and 7, but it's a lot better than it was. Naps were a necessity (because he still gets super cranky and klutzy by about midday), but were also a fight. Rescue remedy right as we notice him getting hyper and klutzy has really helped with this as well. Sometimes the naps are 45 minutes and sometimes 3 hours, but the important thing is that he's waking up more communicative and happy instead of crabby like before.
The new thing for us? We'd always put locks on his door before at night because otherwise he'd wander. We stopped recently when he'd shown signs of being mama and papa-oriented. In other words, he comes to our room. More importantly, he no longer talks for 2 hours in the middle of the night! He brings his favorite pillow, his blanket and his "gog" (the stuffed wolf he sleeps with) and settles in with us. It takes a few minutes, but he falls asleep and sleeps until the alarm goes off for Rob to get up--or later. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so grateful to have him come join us in bed. We're sleeping better (because he's actually sleeping!) and he's sleeping better (I think because he feels more safe and secure) and I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to continue this after his brother arrives--although I'm not sure how much a baby will disturb his sleep with crying and feeding so that makes me a bit nervous.
I always used to get so mad at the parents who'd said cry it out was abusive and we should just let him sleep with us. It never used to be possible. He didn't understand sleep. He wanted to talk and play whenever he was around us. This? I think he gets it, finally. This sleeping with a sleepy, semi scared (monsters, mama!) preschooler feels...normal. It's nice to feel like we're normal every once in awhile, though I know we still have a lot of challenges to face. I love watching my little guy do things now like play independently and creatively ("the dog is driving the train!") and eat different foods and most of all, sleep and understand just how much better it makes him feel :D
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Several updates
Well, I guess it's been awhile. I've had people tell me lately that they are wondering how T is doing, how I'm doing in the dissertation process...and so this is just a catch-all.
On July 31, I turned in my first full draft of my dissertation. It felt good, though I was really tired and just...done. About 2 weeks later (almost 2 weeks ago), I sat down with my advisor who had a lot of good ideas, and since I had set it down for a bit (to finish grading final papers for the three classes I taught this summer) I felt rejuvenated and excited to address issues and fix several things I knew I could make better. After a doodle poll with my committee, we found a date that actually worked for everyone. If you're familiar with academic schedules, especially when dealing with people from 3 different universities, you understand just what a miracle that is. Because of paperwork requirements and the number of people who have to approve it, our October 4, 2-4pm, defense date translated to a due date of a refined, mostly polished draft getting to my committee before September 12 and, if you give them enough time to read and approve by Sept. 12, you're talking Sept. 1.
Yes, that's this Saturday. For the last 2 weeks, I've been working on 1) re-doing analysis and re-writing a little over half a chapter on discourse 2) deepening the analysis of interviews (in another chapter) with clearer introductions 3) filling out the conclusion a bit more and 4) adding a handful of figures/tables that easily summarize participant and thematic data.
And, with a bit more APA work, it will be ready (I think. I hope.) 264 pages as it stands, and I think it's pretty decent. I'll feel better after more of my committee sees it and gives feedback. I am happy, though, that at least 2 of my 4 lifespan interview participants have gotten back to me on their chapters, given feedback and seem happy with the stories and even the analysis. One of my committee members (beside my advisor) has also given some really good feedback on the discussion chapter. Another really helped me get the discourse chapter in better shape (the chapter I've worked on the longest and still, I feel, is the weakest because of the complexity it requires). I really appreciate walking into this stage feeling like I already have a good idea of how the committee might ask me to make changes if more are necessary. So...that's that. A couple of forms, some revisions and hopefully October 4, after 4 pm, I'll officially be declared "Dr. Hager."
The adventures with T have been harder, honestly. We started seeing a nutritionalist in mid-July and he's been able to tell us that he believes the reflux didn't disappear when the spit-up stopped. That means that the last 2 years his esophagus has continued to burn. No wonder he's avoiding meat and veggies--he still can't process them. At all. He's now on calcium supplements and I know what you're thinking: he's REALLY tall for his age, and drinks a ton of milk. He's simply not processing it into his bloodstream. We are certain now that he's allergic to milk/milk products and it really hurts his stomach (though he craves it because it's soothing going down, but BURNS afterward and inflames his intestines, poor kid), and has been doing really well with almond milk and coconut milk. We've also gone gluten free with him, which also seems to help a lot. It's hard to find milk-free, gluten free bread though. Thank goodness for trader joe's and UDI bread. It's pretty course, but works well for his peanut butter sandwiches. GF pretzels and shortbread cookies also make him really happy :D We tried "chocolate chip" GF cookies, but discovered hidden milk in a lot of processed foods.
Things are going well with this and T's vocabulary and attention span is getting much better, as long as we don't have slip ups. He begged for a donut on sunday at church and we paid for it, tenfold, as he went screaming and yelling up and down the tables. Yesterday, I babysat another little boy and T snuck some nutragrain bar off of his highchair tray. Today, he's jumped on me, smacked me in the head several times, refused to listen and diaper changes have turned into wrestling matches. It's now like having two very different children--one who's really badly behaved and who elicits all kinds of rude comments from well-meaning friends, relatives and strangers. The other? calmer, cuddly, helpful with household chores (and even helped me a lot yesterday with the little boy I watched, patting his head when he cried, and sharing toys with him) and loves to tell stories. The second little boy, I love to death. The first I love as well but makes life more challenging and really tests my patience. It's also really frustrating to have a kid who's sensitive to: food dyes, soy, milk & milk products and probably gluten and have others offer him "treats" (like the occasional lollipop) that I then have to tell them, no, he can't have them and look like the mean mom. Trust me, I'm saving me and us from crazy outbursts and him from a whole lot of tummy/gut pain.
So things are looking good, we're even seeing improvements in OT. Oh! We also went through with those tests--his hearing is fine (which we guessed) and he qualified for special school district services because he simply refused to take the DIAL 3/evaluation and would not co-operate without me in the room. We weren't that surprised. It's not that he's incapable, but he doesn't do well in unknown spaces (yep. sensory processing disorder with sensitivity to large spaces, multiple inputs and temperature were already known challenges), so having to go with a stranger, away from mom, in a strange place almost guaranteed he wouldn't co-operate from the get-go. We have to wait to hear back from them and it may take another 3 weeks, but we think he'll be going to the AWESOME early childhood center in our district and getting (for "free" through the district) additional help for speech and behavior. I'm hopeful and I think he'll have fun. He's freaked out the last 2 times we've been (for testing) when I said he couldn't play on their playground (which was gated in and locked)--and if he goes there, he'll be able to play there!
It's been a busy (but good) couple of months and both T and I are making great progress. The dissertation is nearly finished, set to defend, and Tristan is starting to feel a bit better with food and learning new words and responsibilities every day. His new thing? He's interested in learning how to peddle his bike! We may have a bike rider on our hands before we know it. July and August (and of course, God) have been very good to us.
On July 31, I turned in my first full draft of my dissertation. It felt good, though I was really tired and just...done. About 2 weeks later (almost 2 weeks ago), I sat down with my advisor who had a lot of good ideas, and since I had set it down for a bit (to finish grading final papers for the three classes I taught this summer) I felt rejuvenated and excited to address issues and fix several things I knew I could make better. After a doodle poll with my committee, we found a date that actually worked for everyone. If you're familiar with academic schedules, especially when dealing with people from 3 different universities, you understand just what a miracle that is. Because of paperwork requirements and the number of people who have to approve it, our October 4, 2-4pm, defense date translated to a due date of a refined, mostly polished draft getting to my committee before September 12 and, if you give them enough time to read and approve by Sept. 12, you're talking Sept. 1.
Yes, that's this Saturday. For the last 2 weeks, I've been working on 1) re-doing analysis and re-writing a little over half a chapter on discourse 2) deepening the analysis of interviews (in another chapter) with clearer introductions 3) filling out the conclusion a bit more and 4) adding a handful of figures/tables that easily summarize participant and thematic data.
And, with a bit more APA work, it will be ready (I think. I hope.) 264 pages as it stands, and I think it's pretty decent. I'll feel better after more of my committee sees it and gives feedback. I am happy, though, that at least 2 of my 4 lifespan interview participants have gotten back to me on their chapters, given feedback and seem happy with the stories and even the analysis. One of my committee members (beside my advisor) has also given some really good feedback on the discussion chapter. Another really helped me get the discourse chapter in better shape (the chapter I've worked on the longest and still, I feel, is the weakest because of the complexity it requires). I really appreciate walking into this stage feeling like I already have a good idea of how the committee might ask me to make changes if more are necessary. So...that's that. A couple of forms, some revisions and hopefully October 4, after 4 pm, I'll officially be declared "Dr. Hager."
The adventures with T have been harder, honestly. We started seeing a nutritionalist in mid-July and he's been able to tell us that he believes the reflux didn't disappear when the spit-up stopped. That means that the last 2 years his esophagus has continued to burn. No wonder he's avoiding meat and veggies--he still can't process them. At all. He's now on calcium supplements and I know what you're thinking: he's REALLY tall for his age, and drinks a ton of milk. He's simply not processing it into his bloodstream. We are certain now that he's allergic to milk/milk products and it really hurts his stomach (though he craves it because it's soothing going down, but BURNS afterward and inflames his intestines, poor kid), and has been doing really well with almond milk and coconut milk. We've also gone gluten free with him, which also seems to help a lot. It's hard to find milk-free, gluten free bread though. Thank goodness for trader joe's and UDI bread. It's pretty course, but works well for his peanut butter sandwiches. GF pretzels and shortbread cookies also make him really happy :D We tried "chocolate chip" GF cookies, but discovered hidden milk in a lot of processed foods.
Things are going well with this and T's vocabulary and attention span is getting much better, as long as we don't have slip ups. He begged for a donut on sunday at church and we paid for it, tenfold, as he went screaming and yelling up and down the tables. Yesterday, I babysat another little boy and T snuck some nutragrain bar off of his highchair tray. Today, he's jumped on me, smacked me in the head several times, refused to listen and diaper changes have turned into wrestling matches. It's now like having two very different children--one who's really badly behaved and who elicits all kinds of rude comments from well-meaning friends, relatives and strangers. The other? calmer, cuddly, helpful with household chores (and even helped me a lot yesterday with the little boy I watched, patting his head when he cried, and sharing toys with him) and loves to tell stories. The second little boy, I love to death. The first I love as well but makes life more challenging and really tests my patience. It's also really frustrating to have a kid who's sensitive to: food dyes, soy, milk & milk products and probably gluten and have others offer him "treats" (like the occasional lollipop) that I then have to tell them, no, he can't have them and look like the mean mom. Trust me, I'm saving me and us from crazy outbursts and him from a whole lot of tummy/gut pain.
So things are looking good, we're even seeing improvements in OT. Oh! We also went through with those tests--his hearing is fine (which we guessed) and he qualified for special school district services because he simply refused to take the DIAL 3/evaluation and would not co-operate without me in the room. We weren't that surprised. It's not that he's incapable, but he doesn't do well in unknown spaces (yep. sensory processing disorder with sensitivity to large spaces, multiple inputs and temperature were already known challenges), so having to go with a stranger, away from mom, in a strange place almost guaranteed he wouldn't co-operate from the get-go. We have to wait to hear back from them and it may take another 3 weeks, but we think he'll be going to the AWESOME early childhood center in our district and getting (for "free" through the district) additional help for speech and behavior. I'm hopeful and I think he'll have fun. He's freaked out the last 2 times we've been (for testing) when I said he couldn't play on their playground (which was gated in and locked)--and if he goes there, he'll be able to play there!
It's been a busy (but good) couple of months and both T and I are making great progress. The dissertation is nearly finished, set to defend, and Tristan is starting to feel a bit better with food and learning new words and responsibilities every day. His new thing? He's interested in learning how to peddle his bike! We may have a bike rider on our hands before we know it. July and August (and of course, God) have been very good to us.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
When dissertation and family live in opposition
I explained to my dad today that I'd practically given up on an "excellent" dissertation and was just aiming for "passable." He laughed and said that was probably where I should be at this point. He remembered the summer after finishing a chapter he'd researched in Washington D.C., coming home exhausted and writing a similar email to HIS advisor.
This is not to say that his exhaustion wasn't earned (after all, I was set to graduate college shortly thereafter, and was in the throws of wedding planning while my sister was set to start college that fall, and he'd been asked to take on additional roles at the college. There was plenty going on at our house at the time!) but mine is a bit different.
As I've said before, it took about 2 years of essay writing, interviews, and then dealing with a sour economy/finding jobs to pay for my tuition to start in the fall of 2008 on my PhD. Three months after I started, we found out I was pregnant. Timing seemed fine. Pregnancy was uneventful and I did well in classes, in teaching, and seemingly balancing it all. When Tristan was born with 2 types of jaundice, things started to get tricky but my researcher assistant job allowed for a flexible schedule. This became even more important as we dealt with a year of serious reflux for Tristan and little sleep. Yet I did well in classes, and even went back to teaching part-time. I thought I was doing what I needed to do. I was still really passionate about writing on immigrant experiences and the experiences of Muslims post 9/11.
It's in the last two months that this has started to fall apart. Tristan's diagnosis of SPD and needing to attend therapy every 2-3 weeks only presented a minor schedule change. I have, however, been trying to teach 3 classes (2 online, one in person) and finish the dissertation at the same time. On Monday, at therapy, I was told that they had additional concerns and we needed to go in for more testing, evaluation and possibly more therapies with Tristan. It was just hard to hear and the truth is, made me realize something difficult and important at the same time.
I need to be with my family even more than I have been. Even though I've been physically present this whole time (thank goodness for online teaching that allowed me to grade papers and write lectures when he was napping or playing), I needed to mentally and emotionally be here more. I'm still passionate about this dissertation--make no mistake--but in the few hours that I spent processing what this meant for Tristan and for me, I realized that my priorities were shifting.
As hard as it is to leave the classroom (yet again!) my son needs me here--and I need to be here, too, doing less. It's been an amazing and challenging four years of graduate work, but I was often juggling more than anyone should. Family and studies were often competing for my attention and I made it work as long as I could--but my son will only be little once. And I only have so much time and energy.
I need a break from teaching. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. Experiences this year in teaching TESL online have primarily contributed to this, but I think in some ways this is God's way of leading me in a new direction.
I'd said to several friends earlier this week as I was processing and working through this new information with Tristan that I believed the statement "God never gives us more than we can handle" was utter nonsense. I still think that--but I think my mother responded at the heart of the matter in a later discussion. She told me, "I think God gives us a little bit more than we can bear so that we're forced to rely on him." That's where I'm at--trusting in him to help me bring my studies and teaching to a successful end point this fall, and to take me in a new direction beginning in December sometime. Or January.
So that's it. I love teaching and I love this study, but I do love my family more. And I feel like God is telling me that life will move in a different direction for awhile once this dissertation has been submitted and accepted. I only pray that I can come back to this eventually and work more in interfaith dialogue, once Tristan (and baby #2, who will arrive in late November) are a bit older and well settled.
This is not to say that his exhaustion wasn't earned (after all, I was set to graduate college shortly thereafter, and was in the throws of wedding planning while my sister was set to start college that fall, and he'd been asked to take on additional roles at the college. There was plenty going on at our house at the time!) but mine is a bit different.
As I've said before, it took about 2 years of essay writing, interviews, and then dealing with a sour economy/finding jobs to pay for my tuition to start in the fall of 2008 on my PhD. Three months after I started, we found out I was pregnant. Timing seemed fine. Pregnancy was uneventful and I did well in classes, in teaching, and seemingly balancing it all. When Tristan was born with 2 types of jaundice, things started to get tricky but my researcher assistant job allowed for a flexible schedule. This became even more important as we dealt with a year of serious reflux for Tristan and little sleep. Yet I did well in classes, and even went back to teaching part-time. I thought I was doing what I needed to do. I was still really passionate about writing on immigrant experiences and the experiences of Muslims post 9/11.
It's in the last two months that this has started to fall apart. Tristan's diagnosis of SPD and needing to attend therapy every 2-3 weeks only presented a minor schedule change. I have, however, been trying to teach 3 classes (2 online, one in person) and finish the dissertation at the same time. On Monday, at therapy, I was told that they had additional concerns and we needed to go in for more testing, evaluation and possibly more therapies with Tristan. It was just hard to hear and the truth is, made me realize something difficult and important at the same time.
I need to be with my family even more than I have been. Even though I've been physically present this whole time (thank goodness for online teaching that allowed me to grade papers and write lectures when he was napping or playing), I needed to mentally and emotionally be here more. I'm still passionate about this dissertation--make no mistake--but in the few hours that I spent processing what this meant for Tristan and for me, I realized that my priorities were shifting.
As hard as it is to leave the classroom (yet again!) my son needs me here--and I need to be here, too, doing less. It's been an amazing and challenging four years of graduate work, but I was often juggling more than anyone should. Family and studies were often competing for my attention and I made it work as long as I could--but my son will only be little once. And I only have so much time and energy.
I need a break from teaching. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. Experiences this year in teaching TESL online have primarily contributed to this, but I think in some ways this is God's way of leading me in a new direction.
I'd said to several friends earlier this week as I was processing and working through this new information with Tristan that I believed the statement "God never gives us more than we can handle" was utter nonsense. I still think that--but I think my mother responded at the heart of the matter in a later discussion. She told me, "I think God gives us a little bit more than we can bear so that we're forced to rely on him." That's where I'm at--trusting in him to help me bring my studies and teaching to a successful end point this fall, and to take me in a new direction beginning in December sometime. Or January.
So that's it. I love teaching and I love this study, but I do love my family more. And I feel like God is telling me that life will move in a different direction for awhile once this dissertation has been submitted and accepted. I only pray that I can come back to this eventually and work more in interfaith dialogue, once Tristan (and baby #2, who will arrive in late November) are a bit older and well settled.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Riding the Food Dye wave
I used to be the kind of mom that saw benefit in healthy eating--and now our sanity depends on it, while Tristan's SPD fights against it. How so? Well, he's very texture and temperature sensitive. If it's warm, it's "too hot!" and anything leafy, soft, or mushy are "belch!" in his book. He won't touch many kid favorite foods--hot dogs, chicken nuggets, most noodles (though spaghetti sometimes gets his approval)...and then those created in the last 40 years or so, he can't really have. Let me explain.
We discovered back in October the connection between Yellow dye (both 5 & 6) and his hyperactive behaviors. This issue has been all over the news in the last two years. For a few examples:
http://www.npr.org/2011/03/30/134962888/fda-probes-link-between-food-dyes-kids-behavior
http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/03/28/can-food-dyes-cause-or-affect-adhd/
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/30/fda.food.dye.health/index.html
I hadn't heard of it, though, until a church friend of ours who also works at the preschool Tristan attended this fall handed me a book by Feingold that she had read when her children had similar issues. We started taking all foods with dyes out of his diet and after a few days, he really was much calmer. The only problem? It's practically in everything geared to kids: store bought macaroni n' cheese, Kool-aid, jello, most candy and popsicles, many breakfast cereals (even ones you don't think of as multi-colored and dyed. Yes, Cheerios is one on this list), juices, fruit snacks which had been Tristan's favorite snack, and the list goes on.
(As a sort of side note: This is why I've been taking issue with the "organic" label lately--Annie's fruit snacks and others labeled organic have food dyes. Read the label closely. It even says "artificial colors and flavors." How is something SO doctored considered 'organic'?)
It should be said, when some believe that those of us BEGGING for food dye regulation are not extremist in the least--many other countries DO regulate the use of food dyes and levels of dyes. The US? Not at all. I don't think you necessarily need to ban them, but as we've seen such a huge increase in ADHD and hyperactivity in children (some sources in the articles above mentioned 400% since food dyes have been added to foods), shouldn't we at least consider better regulation of what goes into the foods we eat and the safety of these additives?
In some ways, we're lucky. Tristan ISN'T sensitive to Red 40, the most pervasive dye and the one many kids are sensitive to. He IS very sensitive to yellow though (both the numbered ones and annatto--which we didn't know was a yellow dye until we did some searching after cheese crackers set him off). How did we figure this out, and what does a food dye reaction look like around here?
Well, now that we keep him away from colors (thank you, capri sun and invisible Kool-aid for providing an occasional treat without the side effects!) this is what can happen. Before I start with what food dye "highs" (as I've taken to calling them) look like, you should know: he still naps and naps well most days for about 2-3 hours, and he also sleeps at night 7-6 or so. He expends tons of energy so this seems normal. He also expends tons of energy on food dye highs, but sleep patterns get crazy as you'll see.
Rob and I went to see "Brave" the other night. I had been craving chocolate, so we got a bag of Reese's pieces and I didn't finish them. They were 'hidden' in my purse. On Thursday morning, Tristan snuck into my purse and found them. After only a few seconds of quiet, we found him that morning eating them excitedly. No, none of the brown ones--yellow and orange. Oh joy.
Thursday they worked on our roof, so I drove to Greenville with Tristan. Of our 70 minute drive, he screamed "OUT! OUT!" for the last 20 minutes and couldn't stop wiggling. We couldn't get him to eat much of anything, and he tried to drink his weight in milk and water. He was irritable, didn't want to play with me or anyone else, and changed activities every 5 minutes. Even one of his favorite videos at my parents house that's about 9 minutes long couldn't hold his attention the whole time. Naptime was about an hour and involved us driving him around to sleep. It took us 2 hours to get him to sleep that night. He got up on Friday morning about 5:30.
By 9 am, Tristan (and I) had played in the sprinkler, had a water pouring party on the kitchen floor, blown bubbles, ran around the backyard, had 3-4 cups of milk (again, almost no food though I did get him to eat some trader joe's fruit leather), played trains and danced to sesame street. I was exhausted already (ugh pregnancy!) and he just kept going. He was cranky and indecisive. he would ask for something, and by the time I got it to him, he'd cry and tell me that he didn't want it and act like it was the worst thing I'd ever made him. Naptime was a fight again, but I did get him to sleep without driving around. It took over 30 minutes to get him to calm down enough to sleep and then he was up 45 minutes later, only slightly less cranky than before. He wouldn't sit and eat with us for lunch or dinner. he only wanted to run around and play. He'd barely make eye contact when I spoke to him. He'd ask for hugs, but run away before I'd held him for 5 seconds. Another hour at bedtime to try to get him down, and then we let him cry it out after that because both Rob and I were exhausted and he was still wanting to run around though at that point it was in circles while whining.
He was up by 5-something again this morning. We tried to pull him into bed with us and rest, but he'd have none of it. More milk, more running, more "no!" as I tried to keep him inside in this extreme heat, but he becomes belligerent during this period as well.
Food dye usually takes about 72 hours to wear off around here, or slightly less. He is standing/sitting still for slightly longer periods of time this morning and showing some interest in food. He's also asking for hugs and making some eye contact. It's just so hard sometimes when your child can disappear behind this badly behaved facade for days, and you know the reason it happens but it's hard to stop sometimes. He's too young to understand. It also stinks because there's so much (texture and temperature wise) he refuses to eat and battles us over. We're working with the OT on this, but...it just feels like a very long and frustrating road in the middle of a food dye high.
We discovered back in October the connection between Yellow dye (both 5 & 6) and his hyperactive behaviors. This issue has been all over the news in the last two years. For a few examples:
http://www.npr.org/2011/03/30/134962888/fda-probes-link-between-food-dyes-kids-behavior
http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/03/28/can-food-dyes-cause-or-affect-adhd/
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/30/fda.food.dye.health/index.html
I hadn't heard of it, though, until a church friend of ours who also works at the preschool Tristan attended this fall handed me a book by Feingold that she had read when her children had similar issues. We started taking all foods with dyes out of his diet and after a few days, he really was much calmer. The only problem? It's practically in everything geared to kids: store bought macaroni n' cheese, Kool-aid, jello, most candy and popsicles, many breakfast cereals (even ones you don't think of as multi-colored and dyed. Yes, Cheerios is one on this list), juices, fruit snacks which had been Tristan's favorite snack, and the list goes on.
(As a sort of side note: This is why I've been taking issue with the "organic" label lately--Annie's fruit snacks and others labeled organic have food dyes. Read the label closely. It even says "artificial colors and flavors." How is something SO doctored considered 'organic'?)
It should be said, when some believe that those of us BEGGING for food dye regulation are not extremist in the least--many other countries DO regulate the use of food dyes and levels of dyes. The US? Not at all. I don't think you necessarily need to ban them, but as we've seen such a huge increase in ADHD and hyperactivity in children (some sources in the articles above mentioned 400% since food dyes have been added to foods), shouldn't we at least consider better regulation of what goes into the foods we eat and the safety of these additives?
In some ways, we're lucky. Tristan ISN'T sensitive to Red 40, the most pervasive dye and the one many kids are sensitive to. He IS very sensitive to yellow though (both the numbered ones and annatto--which we didn't know was a yellow dye until we did some searching after cheese crackers set him off). How did we figure this out, and what does a food dye reaction look like around here?
Well, now that we keep him away from colors (thank you, capri sun and invisible Kool-aid for providing an occasional treat without the side effects!) this is what can happen. Before I start with what food dye "highs" (as I've taken to calling them) look like, you should know: he still naps and naps well most days for about 2-3 hours, and he also sleeps at night 7-6 or so. He expends tons of energy so this seems normal. He also expends tons of energy on food dye highs, but sleep patterns get crazy as you'll see.
Rob and I went to see "Brave" the other night. I had been craving chocolate, so we got a bag of Reese's pieces and I didn't finish them. They were 'hidden' in my purse. On Thursday morning, Tristan snuck into my purse and found them. After only a few seconds of quiet, we found him that morning eating them excitedly. No, none of the brown ones--yellow and orange. Oh joy.
Thursday they worked on our roof, so I drove to Greenville with Tristan. Of our 70 minute drive, he screamed "OUT! OUT!" for the last 20 minutes and couldn't stop wiggling. We couldn't get him to eat much of anything, and he tried to drink his weight in milk and water. He was irritable, didn't want to play with me or anyone else, and changed activities every 5 minutes. Even one of his favorite videos at my parents house that's about 9 minutes long couldn't hold his attention the whole time. Naptime was about an hour and involved us driving him around to sleep. It took us 2 hours to get him to sleep that night. He got up on Friday morning about 5:30.
By 9 am, Tristan (and I) had played in the sprinkler, had a water pouring party on the kitchen floor, blown bubbles, ran around the backyard, had 3-4 cups of milk (again, almost no food though I did get him to eat some trader joe's fruit leather), played trains and danced to sesame street. I was exhausted already (ugh pregnancy!) and he just kept going. He was cranky and indecisive. he would ask for something, and by the time I got it to him, he'd cry and tell me that he didn't want it and act like it was the worst thing I'd ever made him. Naptime was a fight again, but I did get him to sleep without driving around. It took over 30 minutes to get him to calm down enough to sleep and then he was up 45 minutes later, only slightly less cranky than before. He wouldn't sit and eat with us for lunch or dinner. he only wanted to run around and play. He'd barely make eye contact when I spoke to him. He'd ask for hugs, but run away before I'd held him for 5 seconds. Another hour at bedtime to try to get him down, and then we let him cry it out after that because both Rob and I were exhausted and he was still wanting to run around though at that point it was in circles while whining.
He was up by 5-something again this morning. We tried to pull him into bed with us and rest, but he'd have none of it. More milk, more running, more "no!" as I tried to keep him inside in this extreme heat, but he becomes belligerent during this period as well.
Food dye usually takes about 72 hours to wear off around here, or slightly less. He is standing/sitting still for slightly longer periods of time this morning and showing some interest in food. He's also asking for hugs and making some eye contact. It's just so hard sometimes when your child can disappear behind this badly behaved facade for days, and you know the reason it happens but it's hard to stop sometimes. He's too young to understand. It also stinks because there's so much (texture and temperature wise) he refuses to eat and battles us over. We're working with the OT on this, but...it just feels like a very long and frustrating road in the middle of a food dye high.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Burning the candle all over the place!
I finished the last full chapter I had left to complete, and left it with 3 readers I trusted. After getting back their comments, I revised it and sent it to my advisor and another committee member for more feedback.
I'm now diving into the last of my data (community interviews) for analysis purposes--but it's not easy. You see, it's VBS week, and students from both of my classes have assignments due next week that they're asking questions about. This means I'm out about 8-12:30 every day for VBS, trying to get in some cuddle time with my little guy before his nap, answering questions for classes while he naps and then dealing with a number of meetings (doctoral paperwork how-tos, church council, OB-GYN) and evening obligations... Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit burnt out at the moment. I figured it was safer to write less this week than write and have to deal with all of the revisions that (for me) result in less than intelligible or articulate writing.
But at least the last full chapter is written and I'll get to editing it when I've had a bit more sleep and I'll finish the last analysis work when have a bit more time to really work and think on it.
When VBS ends tomorrow at noon? I'm hoping Tristan and I can both celebrate with a nice, long nap :D
I'm now diving into the last of my data (community interviews) for analysis purposes--but it's not easy. You see, it's VBS week, and students from both of my classes have assignments due next week that they're asking questions about. This means I'm out about 8-12:30 every day for VBS, trying to get in some cuddle time with my little guy before his nap, answering questions for classes while he naps and then dealing with a number of meetings (doctoral paperwork how-tos, church council, OB-GYN) and evening obligations... Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit burnt out at the moment. I figured it was safer to write less this week than write and have to deal with all of the revisions that (for me) result in less than intelligible or articulate writing.
But at least the last full chapter is written and I'll get to editing it when I've had a bit more sleep and I'll finish the last analysis work when have a bit more time to really work and think on it.
When VBS ends tomorrow at noon? I'm hoping Tristan and I can both celebrate with a nice, long nap :D
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