I explained to my dad today that I'd practically given up on an "excellent" dissertation and was just aiming for "passable." He laughed and said that was probably where I should be at this point. He remembered the summer after finishing a chapter he'd researched in Washington D.C., coming home exhausted and writing a similar email to HIS advisor.
This is not to say that his exhaustion wasn't earned (after all, I was set to graduate college shortly thereafter, and was in the throws of wedding planning while my sister was set to start college that fall, and he'd been asked to take on additional roles at the college. There was plenty going on at our house at the time!) but mine is a bit different.
As I've said before, it took about 2 years of essay writing, interviews, and then dealing with a sour economy/finding jobs to pay for my tuition to start in the fall of 2008 on my PhD. Three months after I started, we found out I was pregnant. Timing seemed fine. Pregnancy was uneventful and I did well in classes, in teaching, and seemingly balancing it all. When Tristan was born with 2 types of jaundice, things started to get tricky but my researcher assistant job allowed for a flexible schedule. This became even more important as we dealt with a year of serious reflux for Tristan and little sleep. Yet I did well in classes, and even went back to teaching part-time. I thought I was doing what I needed to do. I was still really passionate about writing on immigrant experiences and the experiences of Muslims post 9/11.
It's in the last two months that this has started to fall apart. Tristan's diagnosis of SPD and needing to attend therapy every 2-3 weeks only presented a minor schedule change. I have, however, been trying to teach 3 classes (2 online, one in person) and finish the dissertation at the same time. On Monday, at therapy, I was told that they had additional concerns and we needed to go in for more testing, evaluation and possibly more therapies with Tristan. It was just hard to hear and the truth is, made me realize something difficult and important at the same time.
I need to be with my family even more than I have been. Even though I've been physically present this whole time (thank goodness for online teaching that allowed me to grade papers and write lectures when he was napping or playing), I needed to mentally and emotionally be here more. I'm still passionate about this dissertation--make no mistake--but in the few hours that I spent processing what this meant for Tristan and for me, I realized that my priorities were shifting.
As hard as it is to leave the classroom (yet again!) my son needs me here--and I need to be here, too, doing less. It's been an amazing and challenging four years of graduate work, but I was often juggling more than anyone should. Family and studies were often competing for my attention and I made it work as long as I could--but my son will only be little once. And I only have so much time and energy.
I need a break from teaching. I'm burnt out. I'm discouraged. Experiences this year in teaching TESL online have primarily contributed to this, but I think in some ways this is God's way of leading me in a new direction.
I'd said to several friends earlier this week as I was processing and working through this new information with Tristan that I believed the statement "God never gives us more than we can handle" was utter nonsense. I still think that--but I think my mother responded at the heart of the matter in a later discussion. She told me, "I think God gives us a little bit more than we can bear so that we're forced to rely on him." That's where I'm at--trusting in him to help me bring my studies and teaching to a successful end point this fall, and to take me in a new direction beginning in December sometime. Or January.
So that's it. I love teaching and I love this study, but I do love my family more. And I feel like God is telling me that life will move in a different direction for awhile once this dissertation has been submitted and accepted. I only pray that I can come back to this eventually and work more in interfaith dialogue, once Tristan (and baby #2, who will arrive in late November) are a bit older and well settled.
