I nearly screamed with joy last night. I had a text from Rose, who had gotten my chapter and would read it as soon as she could...
But she'd recently gotten married and moved and life was a bit in chaos.
I was honestly just thrilled to hear from her and know that she was still involved with the study, even from afar. I wouldn't say all of the women have become my good friends, but I do feel strongly connected to them in some ways and invested in their lives. It was nice to hear that Rose's story had taken an even more positive turn recently and that she was off on a new adventure. Even in our interviews, she'd talked about missing the west coast and feeling somewhat stuck and stifled when she returned to the Midwest 6 or 7 years ago, so it was good to hear that she had now moved to the East coast. A different coast, but a place where she felt like she had opportunities galore. Her family, of course, stayed here, but I have no doubt that her sisters and parents will stay close in touch.
It was a bit strange getting this message when I did. I was out to dinner with Angela and Sujin, two of my fellow graduate students, celebrating that the semester was over, that they'd finished their last classes and that Sujin had recently successfully defended her dissertation proposal. We were talking about passing around IRB information, reading comp exam essays (for Angela, who will be sitting hers in July), and getting feedback on each other's writing. It's not exactly a family network, but sometimes it feels like it. This work can be lonely and sometimes the families that we live with do not understand the process or offer help. My graduate school "family" is a family formed by similar experiences, past research and writing collaborations, and intellectual interest in each other's topics. Sujin, Angela, and I have all been interested in language learning, language teaching, and identity development issues. Reading their work helps drive my own research and build connections between us.
No reading was involved last night, though. Sure, between bites of hummus, Baba Gannoush, Taboleh, falafel and stuffed grape leaves, there was talk of IRB and writing, but we mostly enjoyed the food and the company. It was the first time we'd been able to meet since right before AERA in April. It was re-energizing to talk about life with others in the midst of this crazy process. We even talked about trying to get tickets to the symphony or go dancing together! While Rose and Amira do keep in contact about their part of the study (as does Ashley), it's the strong network we have of researchers who are at dissertation phase now that keeps me going.
Much like the life stories I've heard, mine, too, speaks of the importance of strong ties to family--even if the most important family at this stage isn't technically my "family" at all. My family is encouraging, but nothing pushes me quite like hearing "I'm looking forward to reading your conclusions" or "Can you send me your discussion chapter? I want to see how you ended up doing analysis," or my absolute favorite-- "can I see your finished outline? I know you're not doing the standard 5 chapter format and I'm thinking about different ways to structure mine as well." Nothing pushes you to finish quite like that last one! I don't think I could do this without Sujin, Angela, and Lisa (my advisor), and I'm grateful for their enthusiasm, drive, and company on this journey.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
New Challenges
It's been a productive month, as I finished writing 3 (of my 4) life history chapters in the last 3 weeks.
We also announced my pregnancy this past Sunday--at 12 weeks. I hope this helps explain some of my quietness for months. It was on the forefront of my mind and I couldn't talk about it. I spent a lot of time sick, and even more just plain exhausted. I'm still trying to recover from the exhaustion, which is tricky with an almost 3 year old in the house who goes through bouts of hating to sleep. In fact, last night was the first night we had a full night of sleep in over a week. At times, I'm overwhelmed by goals I'd set out, thinking that they're completely realistic, but then I'm frustrated when I cannot, for the life of me, finish them on "schedule."
What does this have to do with a dissertation? Quite a lot actually. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed by my last 2 interview transcriptions. I've hired someone to help with the others, but said that I could do these two. I NEED to, as one is a core participant (the second interview with the last life history I have to finish) and the other is an interview that is long, but only a small portion really needs to be transcribed as quite a lot doesn't relate to the subject. We all do our best to leave our personal lives at the door of our work, but the lines inevitably blur. The lack of sleep catches up to us, as do the worries about finishing a dissertation before a second child arrives. I also worry about "pregnancy brain" as I continue to write. Will it be articulate enough? Will it do justice to my method and my participants' stories? Which is more important to me--having a good and finished dissertation or having a fantastic dissertation that I can't defend until after the baby is born? I am leaning towards "good" right now, as I'm terrified of what the first year may have in store for me.
In some ways, being a first time parent in a PhD program was a blessing. I didn't know how hard it could be. Had I known what to expect with the reflux, lack of sleep for about a year and a half (between reflux and teething) and how this would interact with my coursework and TA/RA duties, I think I would have quit. This time, I don't just expect it to be the same, but there's no guarantee the baby won't have reflux--and I'll have his or her big brother to contend with, this child who still hates sleeping and isn't a big fan of listening and who we're just praying we can potty train before we take him to preschool part time in the fall.
The reality is this--I have 3 or 3.5 chapters left to write for the full draft, and I want to get them to my committee by the end of August. I'm tired and while I love what I'm doing, I need to move forward and finish before I get even more overwhelmed. The chapters to write are: 1) the last life history (which I was able to start during "nap" ("no nap!" struggle time) time yesterday) 2) a chapter of 'analysis'/meaning making (which is at least started) and 3) conclusions/implications, as well as the community interview portion of the "ethos of reception" chapter. The problem is that this would still just make a full draft. More lit will need to be added, sections will need to be rearranged, etc. Even thinking about this makes me tired some days. My goal, though, is to simply finish this last core participant interview transcript and life history by the end of May. June is for the analysis chapter, July is for the conclusions chapter, and the community interview stuff will be done in August, since I have to wait on transcripts for that (and pay my wonderful transcriptionist who's also interested in giving feedback for analysis purposes! I love working with people who are blossoming researchers and want to be involved in projects!) I'm hoping that a draft in August, with probably a LOT of revisions, will translate to the ability to be able to defend by (or before) October, in order to be "done" before December. Thanks to a lack of financial aid, I'll have to take credits (but do no work) in the spring though I'll be unofficially finished in December. UGH.
Did I mention that I'm teaching 3 classes this summer? One that's fairly intense started yesterday (and it's online). The students are fantastic and have great questions and ideas, but I do feel like this will take more energy and time than I think I'd anticipated.
I guess my plea at this point is just for prayer--energy, sleep, and perseverance are all needed at this point.
We also announced my pregnancy this past Sunday--at 12 weeks. I hope this helps explain some of my quietness for months. It was on the forefront of my mind and I couldn't talk about it. I spent a lot of time sick, and even more just plain exhausted. I'm still trying to recover from the exhaustion, which is tricky with an almost 3 year old in the house who goes through bouts of hating to sleep. In fact, last night was the first night we had a full night of sleep in over a week. At times, I'm overwhelmed by goals I'd set out, thinking that they're completely realistic, but then I'm frustrated when I cannot, for the life of me, finish them on "schedule."
What does this have to do with a dissertation? Quite a lot actually. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed by my last 2 interview transcriptions. I've hired someone to help with the others, but said that I could do these two. I NEED to, as one is a core participant (the second interview with the last life history I have to finish) and the other is an interview that is long, but only a small portion really needs to be transcribed as quite a lot doesn't relate to the subject. We all do our best to leave our personal lives at the door of our work, but the lines inevitably blur. The lack of sleep catches up to us, as do the worries about finishing a dissertation before a second child arrives. I also worry about "pregnancy brain" as I continue to write. Will it be articulate enough? Will it do justice to my method and my participants' stories? Which is more important to me--having a good and finished dissertation or having a fantastic dissertation that I can't defend until after the baby is born? I am leaning towards "good" right now, as I'm terrified of what the first year may have in store for me.
In some ways, being a first time parent in a PhD program was a blessing. I didn't know how hard it could be. Had I known what to expect with the reflux, lack of sleep for about a year and a half (between reflux and teething) and how this would interact with my coursework and TA/RA duties, I think I would have quit. This time, I don't just expect it to be the same, but there's no guarantee the baby won't have reflux--and I'll have his or her big brother to contend with, this child who still hates sleeping and isn't a big fan of listening and who we're just praying we can potty train before we take him to preschool part time in the fall.
The reality is this--I have 3 or 3.5 chapters left to write for the full draft, and I want to get them to my committee by the end of August. I'm tired and while I love what I'm doing, I need to move forward and finish before I get even more overwhelmed. The chapters to write are: 1) the last life history (which I was able to start during "nap" ("no nap!" struggle time) time yesterday) 2) a chapter of 'analysis'/meaning making (which is at least started) and 3) conclusions/implications, as well as the community interview portion of the "ethos of reception" chapter. The problem is that this would still just make a full draft. More lit will need to be added, sections will need to be rearranged, etc. Even thinking about this makes me tired some days. My goal, though, is to simply finish this last core participant interview transcript and life history by the end of May. June is for the analysis chapter, July is for the conclusions chapter, and the community interview stuff will be done in August, since I have to wait on transcripts for that (and pay my wonderful transcriptionist who's also interested in giving feedback for analysis purposes! I love working with people who are blossoming researchers and want to be involved in projects!) I'm hoping that a draft in August, with probably a LOT of revisions, will translate to the ability to be able to defend by (or before) October, in order to be "done" before December. Thanks to a lack of financial aid, I'll have to take credits (but do no work) in the spring though I'll be unofficially finished in December. UGH.
Did I mention that I'm teaching 3 classes this summer? One that's fairly intense started yesterday (and it's online). The students are fantastic and have great questions and ideas, but I do feel like this will take more energy and time than I think I'd anticipated.
I guess my plea at this point is just for prayer--energy, sleep, and perseverance are all needed at this point.
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