About 2 weeks ago, a link somehow showed up and I found that though I thought this blog had been archived and disappeared AGES ago, it was (again? still?) LIVE.
Much has changed. The "baby" is now a few months away from turning 11. She definitely keeps the almost 13 year old and 16 year old boys in line.
I'm not a professor anymore-- the full time jobs dried up and I ended up finding my work and calling in case management and service coordination.
And Rob and I divorced. It was a long time coming, and we both probably held on much longer than we should, continuing to hurt each other and hope for change. And, as often happens in divorces, the church kept him and pushed me further into a place of feeling felt out, unheard and unwelcome until I walked away. The kids still go dad's sundays, but me?
I still have my faith, but I'm not always very good at articulating it. wait, who am I kidding? I'm very rusty and haven't even tried for years, beyond using the words of some of my favorites-- Madeline L'Engle, Sarah Bessey, Julian of Norwich, Rumi, KPOP demon hunters...
But really. It's my chance to write again. For me and noone else, except...
The boyfriend keeps asking "No really-- what are your thoughts on God?" And I still have yet to come up with an answer that doesn't seem shallow to him.
But maybe part of that comes back to...Who god is and what his intentions are for humanity seem less important to me than "What do you believe in? What is 'good' and why do we often focus more on the problem of evil and fighting off the 'bad' than seeking out the 'good'? "
It all brings me back to....Today, October 16, I bought a Christmas tree.
See, when you're newly single, lost half of the belongings that used to be but were split into two new households and you have half the ornaments from 24 years together, some lights, an ornament for the top...and no tree? you start to worry that maybe Christmas this year may suck as much for you and your kids as much as it did in the middle of a divorce last year. And trees are CRAZY expensive in this tariffs in the US age. So when you find a full(ish) looking, 6 ft tall and pre-lit tree at the thrift store for $12.50? you buy it before they're all gone and you're looking at full price something. It fits in our storage area just fine.
This, to me, is faith. We buy the Christmas tree, in hopes, of a bright christmas. Well, at least brighter than the last. I believe in the light -- especially light that helps chase away the darkest nights in winter. I believe that hope, peace, love and joy are worth celebrating and waiting for. I believe that it is yet to come, even in those moments I start to worry "did I take out enough in taxes this year? How high will my year end car tax for st louis be?" I choose to focus on the hope that all shall be well.
Lights in the darkness. This is at the core of my belief-- that there is a way through, someone and something to guide us, and that hope is worth the wait.
