Let's face it--I haven't been writing as I should. It's amazing how "stuff" easily crowds out the ability to think and write relating to a dissertation. Between teaching two online classes that I'm forcing myself to engage in right now and commit to caring for my students and taking care of my busy (and this winter sick and clingy just about every other week) 2.5 year old, I find myself just wanting to stare at walls or watch "My so-Called Life" reruns on Netflix.
However, yesterday marked an important point in the Christian calendar. Ash Wednesday calls us to die to our old selves, walk with Christ down the road of the cross and towards renewal over the course of the 40 days of lent. Part of the tradition within more liturgical circles has always been to give up something for these 40 days. Some fast, some give up only items of food--and others take on new disciplines.
In my plan was to take up memorization. In my early teens, I was on a bible quizzing team, learning the books of John, Hebrews and Ephesians. I still remember large portions of these and I want to add to this knowledge base. As Peter says "Always be prepared to give a reason for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15). I think I remember large portions of James as well, but as it's 1) five chapters and this is only a 40 day period and 2) there's so much good in these chapters, full of comfort and challenge, I decided that memorizing James--or at least dwelling in the book of James during lent--should be my goal.
Then a funny thing happened. A friend of mine took up blogging for the 40 days of lent as a discipline. Not only this, My dad and several others made sure I had the link to see what she was doing. It felt like a giant prod from God towards another discipline during these days.
And it hit me. Writing has become difficult because I keep trying to be profound and academic and important. It needn't be all of these all of the time. As Maureen (my friend and new blogger herself) stated, "writing is often the way I pray best." This jumble in my head and thoughts comes out best through my fingers and in talking it out on paper.
So I'm making a promise to "blog it out" this lenten season. Maybe not every day, and maybe not profound or fantastic every time, but it will be on my thoughts, prayers, and reactions to my dissertation questions--and to James as well. I've gotten too wrapped up in trying to make it perfect and find large blocks of time to write on the chapters. I've been too overwhelmed by the beauty and depth of the forest just to take time and describe a tree at a time, so to speak. Hopefully this afternoon I'll have some time to write about my observation experience and last interview with Amira.
As James so kindly reminded me today:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5
This is and has been a trial--the sort I have trouble even putting into words--as I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted by work, family and this project. However, I can persevere and finish this project because I know that the wisdom (and strength) in this isn't mine--it comes from God. This project is a journey of faith and is a calling in itself. I just need to be reminded that I need to get out of the way with all of my insecurities and distractions and let it the words flow.
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