Dangers

If there's anything I've realized whole-heartedly on the journey this past year and a half, it's that I cannot let anyone, any thing--even my work--just speak for me.

I bought into it too much when it came to Jaime.  How others said that she didn't do things she'd promised to do, that she forgot, that she was coming unraveled from the stress and strain of epilepsy...and maybe some of that was true.  I mean, it was clear that some things she absolutely couldn't remember and it hurt and stressed her. BUT--but...I think the part that angers me the most is that SHE was lead to believe it, too.  That she'd been convinced she couldn't handle it, that she'd agreed to do things she didn't follow through on.

And then I took the job.  And I was doing everything wrong.  I was blamed for not doing things I'd never been asked to do.  I was told I HAD to do things that were well above and beyond the part-time work I'd signed on for, and then chastised, told "anybody could pick this stuff up and do it" and "I could do your job with my eyes closed."  Standing up for myself, my time, my health, was met with claims that either I wasn't doing all that I needed to, I was being unreasonable, or that I could easily, quickly be replaced by anyone over the age of about 25.

And so I worked harder to prove my abilities, kept records of my time and effort....and was met with repeated claims of "well, everyone says what an amazing job you're doing....but here's more you need to do."

And I bought into it.  At home, at work.  I was constantly giving more, expressing exhaustion and frustration and essentially told on both fronts that it was my fault for the frustration--work harder, be more, don't expect so much of others. At home, now, I can speak out and do my best to regain balance--because that accountability exists here, and my voice can be heard sometimes. But elsewhere?

These are dangerous ideas, dangerous beliefs to buy into, but I've done it for years.  A wife, a mother, a PhD who's always worked harder and harder, chasing that "if only" that promises a liveable independent salary that just never comes.

I'm mad. More than anything, I'm mad that I let others define me, speak for me, tell me what I'm worth or not, and drive me to exhaustion. I've been a crutch for far too long for several people who won't even admit that I'm a crutch or that no, I'm not easily replaced. And the thing that's hardest is walking away, wondering what will be said...and knowing, at least one person, will spin things differently again, most likely telling others how incompentent I was, how they were always trying to work with me, do my work, and that they are exhausted from carrying that weight--though, frankly, the inverse was true at times but there was no support system, no one to keep the system accountable though many who were willing/ready to hold me accountable for things I didn't even know were expected of me.

And then I turn around and look back and wish I'd been able to tell her in life--that Jaime's ministry was vibrant, that she worked hard and I wish I'd fought harder to tell some of those who used me as a crutch, as an excuse for them not to work harder, to back off on Jaime as well. I wish I'd fought harder for her, encouraged her...but then again, I didn't know and couldn't have known how bad she'd been bullied until I experienced it myself.  And I'm still wondering if anything can be done, if any accountability can be held or if I have to just walk away with the knowledge that sometimes people get away with abuse and there are sometimes no channels to challenge it.